Can I Kill You?
by Russet-Stoned
Summary: Light dreams of L, and it's messing with his head. POV switches between Light and L. Re-posted with minor revisions.
1. Chapter 1

At night, when I sleep, I dream.

I dream about you, the man sitting, crouching next to me, always there, always inside my head.

In the day, you are always one step ahead. It infuriates me.

But at night, yes, at night…

At night, you're mine.

There are no eyes, no chains, no banks of computer screens throwing my destiny back in my face. There are no underlings handing you tea and cookies.

At night, there is only you, me, and these fingernails.

These crisp, clipped fingernails grinding into your throat.

And I wonder: how does it feel? How does it feel to suffer, to choke on one's own breath?

How does it feel to die?

I want to know, and would have you tell me, but I can't.

I can't have your life and know the answer.

But I know how it feels to kill.

To see you writhe beneath me—shocked, staring, your eyes displaying such exciting emotions.

Such arousing emotions…

But of course, I wouldn't ever tell you that. No tiniest part of my being must ever display a sign of these thoughts.

But at night, in my dreams, your neck is mine.

I wonder what you would say if you knew?

If you only knew that every night, behind closed doors and closed eyes, I see you balk, then struggle, then finally, finally…

I see you slip away.

I wish it were more dramatic. You never jerk; you never show any sudden sign of change. When the moment comes, you just slip away.

It's disappointing, in a way.

I put every bit of energy into that act of violence, push my very soul through those crisp, clipped nails to make you feel the pain, to watch and observe your death over and over again.

And it's as if I'm looking for a sign that isn't there.

A sign that you were wrong, and that I—I am justice.

But it never comes.

You look at me with those betrayed eyes, and then you leave. Slip away.

And, if only for a moment, I'm almost sorry…


	2. Chapter 2

_Light's acting strangely tonight._

_It's not the first time he's awoken me needing to use the restroom. It doesn't annoy me, really—in fact, I could consider it just payback for imposing these handcuffs on him in the first place._

_But this time, something is off._

_He shakes me awake, gingerly, like he's afraid to touch me. I notice he seems more bulnerable at night. Probably a sign that I'm obsessing a bit too much over the possibilities…_

_But I digress. He shakes me awake, and as I reluctantly rub the sleep from my eyes, he demands that I take the chain off._

_No, "_L, sorry to wake you, but I have to…you know."

_No, _"Do you mind? I need the toilet."

_No trace of that practiced politeness now._

"Unlock me. Now."

_He sounds flustered. It's so dark that all I can make out is his silhouette as he sits up on the futon next to me._

_But just his posture seems off—his shoulders are slumped, and his body is angled away._

_I suppose he could just be tired, but I get the feeling he's trying to avoid looking at me._

"_Do you need to go, Light?" I ask querying the obvious to gauge his reaction. Annoyance would be natural, and that is what I expect, but instead he becomes angry._

"Yes, already! Just unlock me. Please."

Please, _like an afterthought, forced. It sounds unnatural from him. Not to say Light is an impolite person, but at the moment…_

_I quickly undo his end of the chain, feeling his arm twitch away from my touch as my hand brushes his. Ordinarily, this would mean nothing._

_But they are clammy, like old cold fish._

_Guilt._

_He's sweating. Hiding something._

_Listening for his returning footsteps from the john, I doze._


	3. Chapter 3

Ugh. That dream again.

I don't know how many times I've had it. I don't like to think about it while I'm awake.

I should say I don't like to think about it at all, but the truth is…

The truth is, it turns me on.

No! That's not what I mean, what am I thinking?

What I mean is that it's overpowering. When I go to sleep at night, I fear that dream will come again, but at the same time I look forward to it.

I don't deny that I want to see L lose—I'd give a lot to see him dead, but to live it so directly frightens me.

I am not a murderer.

I am justice. It is not my motive to mutilate and cause pain—I don't kill for bloodlust, I eliminate evil for the greater good.

So then why?

Why, when I see my hands around his throat, when I feel his hot, scared blood pulsing against my palms, and then subside, when I see him slip away…

Why do I love it so much?

It sickens me sometimes, the way my dreams of murder excite me. They didn't always.

When I first had the dream, I woke horrified, cold with sweat and paranoid, starting at every slightest sound, worried that I would wake him up as he lay a mere few feet from me.

But then I started to get used to it. I would wake up, but I wouldn't be frightened. I would start, then roll over and sleep again.

And then I started to like it. I began to crave it, like some addictive brain candy. I needed it.

I'm watching him as he sleeps tonight. When the dream woke me, not because I was frightened, but because it turned me on, because it—aroused me. I didn't want it to, but it did.

I creep over to him, my skin crawling at that hot, sick sensation in my pants that I know is terribly wrong, and I take a good look. Maybe I'm not fully awake yet, because I'm not thinking about what he would do if he caught me…but I can't help it. The dream is a part of my brain, and it's telling me to do it, in a way.

I kneel by him silently, watching his chest rise and fall, hearing the minute whistling of his breath as it escapes his parted lips, take in every detail of his slumbering face.

And then I imagine myself stopping that breath, turning the rise and fall of that chest silent, watching that face contort and gasp for breath that would never return, replaying my dream in my head.

Good god, I can't help myself. It's so hot in this room tonight, or maybe it's just my hardon, but it—or the dream, or whatever, I don't care—tells me to try it. Just try touching him, see what happens.

Softly, carefully, my heart racing, I position my hands, hovering above his pale throat. I can't bring myself to touch him at first. I just let my hands hover there.

My fingers brush his skin, just the tiniest bit, and he stirs.

I come in my pants. I hate myself.

Shit! He's going to wake up! I shake him to cover, asking for the toilet. I hope it works. I hope he doesn't notice anything.


	4. Chapter 4

_Light must have taken his sweet time in the john last night, because I'd fallen asleep before he returned._

_But I could have sworn I stayed awake for another fifteen minutes at least. It's true that time is distorted in the middle of the night, but I'm usually pretty proficient at gauging it nonetheless._

_I have an idea of what may have taken him so long in the facility, but it would be improper to think too long and hard about it. If I do that, I may end up feeling guilty myself._

_It's early morning now, and Light is still asleep. I usually wake up well before he does._

_Light must be every mother's dream. he sits up straight, does his homework, eats his vegetables, and always gets his eight hours of sleep at night. But I get the feeling he's not such a good boy at heart._

_Who are you, Light? I'd like to know._

_As always, I catch myself staring at him while he sleeps. I'm sure he would think it creepy, but no matter. He doesn't have to know._

_He looks so different when he's unconscious. He lies on his stomach, legs crossed primly at the ankles, one hand curled up on his pillow, a bit of drool glistening on the knuckle closest to his mouth._

_He looks so young and innocent when he sleeps. I wonder if I look that way?_

_Still less than awake myself, I yawn and stretch. In doing so, I discover something: Light's wrist is connected to the other end of this chain. I'm sure I was asleep when he returned, so he must have put it back on himself. But why?_

_Any normal person would find sleeping in handcuffs unpleasant; I know I do. I certainly would let it slide if Light wanted to take a break for one night. If Light is Kira, of course, he would detest being chained to me. He wouldn't have reconnected the chain out of habit; it is only taken off for restroom visits, and I always put the cuff back on his wrist afterwards._

_I suppose I shouldn't overanalyze, but under the circumstances, it seems odd. In the middle of the night Light went to the bathroom, flustered and clammy, most likely due to a mild sickness or a plain old night-time erection. When he returned, would he be likely to be thinking about something as minor as replacing the chain? Probably not. So I wonder…_

_Making doubly sure that Light is still asleep, I lift his sheet to uncover his other wrist, the one the chain is attached to. The fingers of his right hand—the wrong hand—are pinned under his thigh, and his lower back is exposed. If he were to wake up now, I would be rather embarrassed._

_What I notice more, though, is that the metal cuff seems to cut painfully into Light's skin. The area around the band is a raw red, and his hand is an unnatural purple color. He must have slapped the chain back on hastily, and put it on too tightly. Why, then, didn't he wake me to loosen it?_

_It's quite obvious that he's hiding something now. I just want to know what._


	5. Chapter 5

From the moment I wake up I know things can only go downhill. I awake to a throbbing, numb ache in my right hand, and a growing dread as the realization of what happened last night slowly comes back to me. I awake to sick, worrisome doubts about my sanity.

But worst of all, I awake to him.

I open my eyes to his ghoulish face hovering next to mine. It isn't kissing distance, _thankyougod_, but it makes me jump. I force myself to look straight back at him, trying my hardest not to think of what I did not two feet from him last night. It isn't easy.

As casually as I can manage, I roll onto my left side and prop myself up on one elbow facing him, trying to adjust to the situation. I open my mouth to ask what he thinks he's doing, when he abruptly grabs my right arm, pulling me almost into his lap.

"Ryuzaki, what are you doing?" I half-shout, but my voice comes out muffled against his shin. He says nothing. From my awkward position, I can't see what L is doing, but then I hear the sharp click and feel the blood rush to my hand, followed by a hideous pins-and-needles sensation as the feeling begins to return.

"_You should have woken me, Light-kun," _he says in that falsely innocent tone of his.

I try to get up, but he still has my wrist in a death grip. He's too strong for a man so wiry. He pulls me closer so my hand is right in his face, and my head and shoulders are in his lap. It's too much. The more he touches me, the more I remember his sleeping body, his warm breath, and my hands, and his throat, and like it want it crave it need it—

"Hey, what the—let me up already!" I yell, my voice cracking shamelessly, but he doesn't listen. He's gazing at my hand like it's some sort of holy relic. He bends my fingers to my palm and away again, and I wince as the pins and needles stab my knuckles twice as hard.

Ryuzaki gradually works the feeling back into my hand, and I let him, albeit grudgingly. When he starts to delicately examine and massage the raw red line around my wrist, I have had about enough. I push him away with my left hand and free my right. Ryuzaki flops clumsily onto his back—probably just an act.

"Thanks, but—I'm sure it will be fine," I say, still feeling his cold fingers on my skin, trying to erase the feeling of his hands with my own. I think of the position L's just had me in and hold back a shudder. I hate this. I hate _him._

He holds out the empty cuff toward me, almost beckoning. I'm hesitant, to say the least, to put my left hand back in that metal bracelet.

"_Well, I suppose we could leave them off for one day, since you've injured your hand," _he says, and I can tell there's something behind his words.

He's testing me. Damn him.

"No, that's alright—people would ask too many questions," I sigh, not looking forward to another day in chains. "Anyway, my left hand is fine," I add, knowing that L already knows this.

He looks like he's trying to stare straight through my head. I can almost feel the thick intensity penetrating me from his eyes.

"_Then maybe," _he says slowly, each syllable carefully pronounces, _"we can take them off for good. We could say that you have been cleared of suspicion. Would Light-kun like that?"_

Ugh, he's speaking to me in third person again. I hate when he does that! And I hate the way he tries to tempt me.

I run my hand through my hair, frustrated, knowing how he must love to watch me squirm.

"No, we can't take them off yet," I answer, hating the way he's cornered me. "You'd still suspect me anyway, even if you told the others I wasn't under suspicion. I want you to be good and certain before you take them off," I say, holding out my left arm to him.

He takes my hand as he snaps the cuff back in place, like he's going to shake it—but no, he just holds it. So corny…not to mention _gay_. I pull my hand away hastily.

Great. L and I were just caught on camera, holding hands like a couple of schoolgirls. God, I _hate _him.


	6. Chapter 6

_One would think that spending all day, every day with the same person, discussing the same topics, revisiting the same disagreements, reviewing the same information, and never leaving the building would eventually get boring. Not so with Light Yagami._

_I have been handcuffed to Light for three months and one week, since the end of his confinement. For the first three months of this period, he showed every sign of being a normal teenager, except for his higher-than-average mental capabilities and his inexplicable dislike for me. I consider myself to be a fairly likeable person, after all. In any case, it seemed a comfortable, brotherly rivalry more than anything else—until about a week ago._

_Every night for the past eight days, he has woken up gasping and panting loudly enough to wake me up. Until last night, I feigned sleep until he had calmed down and returned to sleep himself. It was not until last night that he actually approached me for assistance. I find that all too interesting._

_And so I sit here, reviewing surveillance footage of Light's sleeping patterns on my laptop, while the man himself sits not one meter to my right, shuffling documents and making fastidious notes in the margins. I suffer a rare pang of guilt, spying on him like this. However, I am doing it out of concern for a friend, so I'm sure it's alright…as long as he doesn't know about it._

_Today I am making full use of my peripheral vision, holding my fingers on the Alt and Tab keys at all times, keeping the volume on my earphones low enough to hear any sudden movement in the background._

_And I watch._

_I observe Light as he sleeps; his actions before and after he wakes up in the middle of the night._

_Since I first noticed Light's odd night-time behavior eight days ago, I begin there. I fast-forward the videos until I notice movement, then rewind and watch him in real time._

_The symptoms for each night are the same; he tosses and turns in his sleep for a few minutes, panting audibly but softly. After that, he becomes suddenly still, and as his hands grasp violently at the covers, his breathing becomes inaudible, as though it has stopped altogether. Apnea, perhaps? It's possible. but what worries me more is his expression._

_Is he…_smiling?

_I certainly hope not. Even in the grainy distortion of the surveillance cam, that does not look like a healthy, normal teenager's smile._

_My fears are enhanced when his breath returns, taking the form of short, barking gasps, and it scares me because he's not panting; he's laughing. _Laughing._ I never realized until now that those tortured panting noises that woke me up were laughter, let alone that such a mad sound could issue from the cool, collected Light Yagami. It's just so _wrong…

_Because this is not the laughter of a nineteen-year-old top honor student turned world class detective. This is the laughter of a deranged serial killer._

_Light, who or what are you?_

_As in the first six tapes, the seventh—of the night before last—shows Light waking suddenly from whatever demonic dream he has just had, sitting up sharply, throwing off the covers…and then, invariably, he looks at me._

_It does not seem, however, that I am the target of Light's obscene laughter, because he looks afraid of me. Completely and utterly terrified, in fact. Now, why would Light-kun be afraid of _me_, unless…?_

_I can think of one very convincing reason._

_I bring up last night's video and navigate to the moment when Light wakes up, and observe again as he—_

"Find anything interesting, Ryuzaki?"

_Light is looking up from his spread of papers, but fortunately he looks at me, not at my computer screen._

"You were staring at the screen so intently, it was starting to scare me a little."

_Hmm…if my suspicions are correct, this might just be a good way to find out._

_I look over my shoulder and see that the rest of the team is clustered at the opposite end of the room, engrossed in conversation. Good._

"_Why, yes, Light, I believe I have," I say, and he rolls his chair next to mine so he can see. I am just about to rewind it for him when I see that Light—the one in the video—has moved. He is kneeling next to me—_

"Ryuzaki! Wha—what is this?!"

_He's pale. Eyes widened just a tiny bit, he tries to cover his surprise._

"Watching us sleep? That's a little weird, don't you think?" _He tries to laugh good-humoredly, but it so resembles his sickened dream-laugh that it sends chills down my spine._

"No offense, but I'm sure we should both be doing something more productive," _he blurts, and reaches for the 'escape' key. I seize his hand, stopping him, feeling that familiar, guilty clamminess._

"_Shh, Light-kun, this is getting interesting."_

_Feeling a bit evil myself, I force Light to watch with me as he places his hands above my throat (how could that not have awakened me? I am usually a very light sleeper), then jerks oddly and utters and strangled, moaning gasp as I stir in my sleep. I force him to watch his own pathetic body language as he shakes me and asks for the toilet. His behavior in the video frightens me, but it absolutely mortifies him._

"_Well, Light," I prod, trying to sound as casual as possible, "what conclusions can you draw from this new information?"_

_Light's face is paper-white, caught somewhere between abject terror and false confidence. The combination is quite jarring. His eyes dart madly from me to the screen and back again in a frenzied _danse macabre.

"You…I…ah…" _He grits his teeth, holding back any more useless syllables from escaping._

"_Check and mate, Light-kun."_


	7. Chapter 7

"_Check and mate, Light-kun."_

Is he serious?

Is this embarrassing video really enough for him to confirm that I'm Kira? No. It can't be.

This has to be another test.

But, damn it all, I've already screwed myself by reacting suspiciously. Even though the evidence he has is insufficient, he'll still know something's up unless I can recover, and fast.

"And just what is that supposed to mean, Ryuzaki?"

I hate that subtle tremor in my voice. I can't help it.

I hope this will distract him, or draw out some sort of explanation, or…something. But he just sits there and stares at me, sporting that maddening, self-satisfied smirk of his. The bastard is waiting me out. Alright then, Plan B.

"Let me guess," I say, trying to sound annoyed—which isn't too difficult, considering who I'm talking to. "This video increase the probability that I am Kira. Okay, so how much? Tell me."

He still doesn't take the bait. What is he waiting for?

Whatever it is, this is too much.

"Dammit, Ryuzaki-!"

"_Why does Light-kun need me to say anything? Does the evidence not speak for itself?"_

His lips twitch mischievously upward as he speaks, but his eyes are as freakishly wide as ever, and I can just tell they're taking everything in, sucking up every minute detail of my actions like two round, leaden vacuum cleaners.

Well, if he wants to play the question game, I'll play along.

"Just why do you insist on baiting me, Ryuzaki?"

"_Why does Light-kun insist on avoiding an answer?"_

I clench my teeth and pound my fist into the arm of my chair. I can't help it, he just makes me so angry! I try to calm down, breathe normally, and regain some composure. If I am angered too easily, he'll—

"_What was that sound Light-kun made just before he woke me up?"_

What?! I doubt he even has a clue what really happened, but why does he have to ask things like that?

"Why is that important, Ryuzaki?"

He's making passionate love to his thumb again. There's really no other way to describe it. I hate how he squishes his lips around like that; it's distracting and disgustingly childish.

"_Just…curious."_

I glare at him for a moment, then cross my right leg over my left and stare through the papers in front of me. The motion helps me to dissipate a little bit of that pent-up rage and nerves, so I can think more clearly.

Okay. First off, he definitely suspects something, and my avoidance of the subject will only make it more suspicious to him. I have to come up with something that will both alleviate his suspicions and explain why I reacted the way I did. This will be difficult…

"_It's obvious Light-kun is hiding something," _Ryuzaki prods, in that nerve-scratching, breathy timbre. _"Why don't you just confess already? It will make things much easier for the both of us."_

There is one possible vine I can take that will possibly, just maybe, get me out of this mess. The downside is that, inevitably, it will put me into a different one. There's no more time to hesitate. I'll just have to "take it and go," just like they do in improvisational theatre. And I hate improve.

But this has to work. I just have to make it real. Here goes…

"Okay. You want to know, Ryuzaki? You want me to confess? Fine! Here's your confession! I—"

I bite back the rest of that sentence because my idea is only half-formed. I can't stand when things are unplanned. It's alright, though, for the moment. Any normal person would hesitate—

"_Yes, Light-kun?"_

I guess my indignation made me talk a little too loudly; the group of policemen at the table has fallen silent. Matsuda is gaping like an idiot, and my father is frozen halfway out of his seat; I'm sure he's halfway to another heart attack, deciding whether or not to cross the room and break us up before we even "get started."

"It's alright, Dad…everyone. We're fine," I assure them. I turn to L and say, clearly, so that they all can hear, "Sorry, Ryuzaki. I didn't mean to get so upset."

The investigators relax and return to their work, and I am left looking back at that pale, leering face again. He is silent, waiting. I sigh, exasperated, knowing what I am about to do and hating myself for trapping myself in this position. Quietly, I look down at my lap and say, just over the hum of the building:

"I don't feel like we can talk about this here, Ryuzaki. D'you think…"

"_Certainly. After you, Light."_

_After you? _ So cheesy, like the heart-throb character in one of those "high society" girly movies Sayu loves to watch. Nevertheless, I stand up and lead the way up the stairs, Ryuzaki right behind me.


	8. Chapter 8

_What is Light up to?_

_It seems as if everything he's said or done since I showed him the video is a dodge—the suspicious reaction, the ambiguous quibbling, the melodramatic display of indignation. And now he's taking me upstairs, alone—or as close to alone as we can get in a building full of every sort of recording device._

_Was it all an act, or was it a slip and a recovery? The latter seems to the more likely, given the sudden change in behavior from immediately after watching the video, and how much apparent thought he put into his answers. Light may not know it, but I can always tell when he's thinking hard about something. It shows in his eyes, and right now, they're practically glowing._

"I guess here is good enough," _Light says, stopping at the end of an uninhabited hallway three floors above where we just were. It's dark on the entire floor, but I don't bother to turn on the lights. If Light wants darkness, he can have it. I'll let him play his game for now._

"_Good enough for what, Light?"_

_He is silent for a moment. He seems hesitant, but not nervous. It's a strange combination, but then again, he is a strange young man._

"_Ah, yes. You said something about a confession."_

_Silence again. What is he doing?_

"_Please, proceed. Unless you've changed your mind…"_

"No, I haven't. I just…I don't know how to say this."

_Yes, Light. Begin with the clichés, and then you're really acting. If he wants over-used lines, he may have those as well._

"_To say what? That you are Kira?"_

_Now, the denial._

"What? No! It's not that, and frankly I'm sick of you asking."

_If I stopped asking, I would not be doing my job._

"No, what I wanted to explain was the reason I…acted the way I did last night."

_There's something he isn't saying, and I know exactly what it is. "_Just _last night?"_

"What do you mean? On the video—"

"_There are other videos. You've been waking up from nightmares all week, and probably before then. So I think, Light, that you should start being more honest with me, right now."_

_Even in the darkness, I can see the chill in his eyes. It's good for once to see him sweat, to see him—_

"L—I mean, Ryuzaki, I have a problem."

"_You may call me L, if you wish. I do get tired of aliases."_

_He pauses. _"You say that as if it's your real name."

_It is, but you will never know that._

"_It's as close to a real name as I need. But we are losing our purpose. What kind of problem are you talking about?"_

"A big one. One that may seriously affect my position on the taskforce."

"_Out with it, then. I am losing patience."_

"I have…inappropriate feelings for a certain person, and it's distracting me from the work at hand. It's also interfering with my sleep, as you've observed."

_Oh, really? this conversation is beginning to sound scripted. Time to pressure him; anything to bring about a more dramatic reaction._

"_What sort of feelings? An infatuation, perhaps?"_

_But there is no answer. None verbal, anyway. He moves swiftly toward me, catching me by surprise. He's suddenly close—too close, almost touching me. the next instant, he _is _touching me, and I know exactly what those _inappropriate feelings _really are. Light is kissing me now, his hands exploring places mine rarely go, and so help me, I'm not going to stop him._

_Not yet, anyway._


	9. Chapter 9

I've been on plenty of dates with girls. They're soft, energetic and high-pitched, for the most part, and I find I don't really care for them. If there's one thing that is true of women, it's that they can be controlled, and as often as not it's with the power of a single kiss, or merely a dinner and a bit of flattery. Girls eat that stuff up.

But this is no girl. This is L, the master detective, and if I forget that I'm dead.

That's where this "office romance" ruse could very well go sour. If I fall into the same habits as when I'm with a girl, my ability to plan and stay ahead of L and the team will be hindered by my own romantic autopilot, so to speak.

There's nothing for it, though. I've written myself into a corner. I can't use the same lines I would on a girl. And it's going to take more than a subtle brush of the shoulder or touch of the lip to affect someone like Ryuzaki. I have to take him completely by surprise, without giving him a chance to react right away. He has to be swept up in the moment, completely in my hands.

Literally and completely, in my hands. It's time to go for it.

He's still questioning me, his merciless black eyes staring through my skull. Time to go for it.

"_What sort of problem? An infatuation, perhaps?"_

I don't answer. It's unusually dark in this hallway, I notice as I step directly to the center of Ryuzaki's now-broken personal bubble. That's good. It will add to the effect.

It's definitely nothing like kissing a girl. I can feel L's wiry hair in my face, his oily skin, and there's nothing to grab onto on his bony body. I try to, though. I make myself run my hands over him, giving him evidence of the lust I don't have.

His mouth is so warm. And sweet. And why should that be a surprise? He eats sugar constantly…

Why? Why am I letting myself get distracted by his mouth? Because I like it? Because—

Because he's kissing back? Oh god!

It's been too long, I have to break out of this somehow.

We pull apart finally, and I feel a string of saliva stretch and break from my lip as I wheel around, facing away from Ryuzaki and feigning shame. I've got to appear extremely conflicted about my "crush" or he'll never believe it's enough to affect my sleep.

I cover my head with my hands and slump my shoulders. I can't cause my skin to flush with embarrassment, but I can at least display similar body language.

"I'm sorry, L. I—I couldn't help it. Please forgive me."

Now, how will he react? I violated his personal space and forced him to confront my emotions, which will likely make him angry. Or perhaps he will become afraid of me. Either way, both reactions are a detriment to me, since he will probably want to create more space between us for a while. I could volunteer to work on my own or with the rest of the task force while L works alone, if that's what he wants.

Of course, on the miniscule chance that he accepts my feelings—

"_You're off the case."_

I jump. His voice comes from right behind me, so close that I can feel his breath.

"Wait, what!?"

He's kicking me off? I knew L was immature, but this is too much.

"Look, I'm sorry I came onto you like that. I know it makes things awkward now, but maybe—"

"_There can be no other recourse, I'm afraid. I absolutely cannot allow romantic feelings to interfere with the investigation at this stage."_

"L, please, I want to help you catch Kira. I don't mind if you want to work separately from me after this, but kicking me off the case is too much!"

"_No, Light. You're dangerous to me. More so now than you already were. Of course, I will still have to keep you around because you are a suspect, but if you've somehow developed Stockholm syndrome then it would be irresponsible of me to continue keeping you with me at all times, let alone sharing vital information with you. I've seen too many cases where love turns intelligent people into drooling idiots."_

This asshole…now he's really pissing me off. As if I could be a victim of my own emotions!

"I'm not like that!" I almost yell, before forcing myself to calm down. If he sees me get too worked up, it will only prove his point. "I wouldn't—"

But I have to stop, because L is right in front of me, close, too close. He's straightened up and somehow grown taller than me. I feel myself pulled slightly upward toward him as he grabs a handful of my shirt and holds me there, his lightless eyes staring through me.

"_I don't believe you, Light-kun. I know better than that."_

The world spins as I am thrown to the ground. I try to get up, but L plans a bare foot on my chest and holds me there, pinned on the floor. How did I allow him to get the upper hand—or foot?

I hear him rummage in his pants pocket as he hunches over me. He twists his body in a weird way, and I can't tell what he is doing. Then I hear a click, and a loud clang as one metal cuff hits the floor. The one that was just clasped around L's wrist.

"You're releasing me?"

"_Not at all."_

Before I can think to respond, he grabs my free hand and claps the metal cuff around my wrist, locking it in place. Then he hauls hard on the chain, forcing me to scramble up after him as he pulls me down the barren hallway.


	10. Chapter 10

_This will not do._

_I should have been more careful with Light Yagami. I shouldn't have let him get so close to me. Now I've gotten myself into a very difficult situation that is going to be just as difficult to resolve._

_What Light doesn't know is that I have become closer to him than any other suspect in my other cases. What he must not know is that I have a tendency to become obsessed with the suspects I am investigating, and that could easily work to my detriment in this situation._

_I have developed an infatuation with Light Yagami, though I hate the thought of it. I have an acute power to keep such emotions a secret, but I am not so naïve to think that I am above making a grave misstep due to emotional attachment._

_He's standing there, practically begging me to let him stay on the case, claiming he is above his own emotions. What a fool! Every word he says makes me angrier at myself._

"_I don't believe you, Light-kun. I know better than that," I growl, rising to my full height and yanking him toward me. Finally, I begin to see fear take over the false confidence in his eyes. Amber eyes, to match his hair—_

_I can't let myself do this now. I throw the object of my misplaced affection to the ground and cuff his hands together, as quickly as I can manage. The longer I hesitate, the more I want to reverse this scene just a few minutes so I can taste him again…_

_No good! I've got to move now, or it will be the end of me. I pull Light to his feet a little too roughly. I hear him grunt in pain as I pull him brutishly down the hallway to an empty suite. It has a bed and a bathroom and no window, so he will be okay for a while._

_When I shove Light into the room, he realizes too late what is going on._

"L, don't leave me here! We can talk about this—"

_I slam the door, which is fixed to open only from the outside. Light tries the knob, then begins pounding on the door and yelling at me as I walk toward the stairs. I don't know what he's saying. I'm doing my best to not hear him at all. It's extremely difficult for someone who has been trained to notice everything._

_I slip into the stairwell, close the door and sink onto the top step. The cold marble is comfortable and familiar. Barely noticing, I bite my thumb until it hurts._

_I cannot continue to be close to Light Yagami. That is obvious._

_I cannot allow Light Yagami to escape from me. That is also obvious._

_I must choose, but the choice is impossible._


	11. Chapter 11

God, how long have I been in here?

An hour or two, maybe? I wouldn't be surprised if it were longer. Or less than half that. I'm terrible at guessing time when nothing is happening.

Damn L, locking me in this stupid room. I expected him to get angry, maybe even throw a punch, or to be embarrassed. I didn't expect him to shove me into a dark corner like some holiday decoration he was tired of looking at. He really is childish.

However long it's been, I've had time to peruse the hotel suite multiple times. I pretty much have every part of it memorized now. There's the door—the one L slammed shut on me; it looks like a normal hotel door with a key-card slot above the knob. Apparently it was turned around on its jamb so that the only way out is with the key card, which Ryuzaki conveniently forgot to give me when he imprisoned me in here.

There's a cozy sort of hallway or entry way facing the door, with a mirror embedded in it. I searched for any wires or hanging equipment that I might use to open the door, but could find none. That connects to a small but elegant bathroom, a miniature den with a sofa, chair, and low table, and the room I'm in—a broad bedroom containing a king-sized bed with no covers on it.

In fact, everything is bare, except for the carpet. All the bulbs are bare (which is inconsequential because the power seems to be cut off to this floor), the windows are boarded on the outside and have no curtains, and the sofa, chair, and table are devoid of any covering. It makes me wonder where everything went, and why it was even removed. Unless this room was _meant _to be a prison…knowing L, that's not too unlikely.

Where is he? What is he doing?

I'm so sick of this waiting game. It's not like there's anything I can do in this boring place. Even if I were like Rem and could pass through walls, what would I do then?

I wonder what that shinigami would think of my plan. Doubtless she would not approve, but there seems to be very little that she _does_ approve of. If Rem knew, would she hide it from Misa to avoid upsetting her, or become enraged on the girl's behalf? I'm not sure I want to find out. Then again, keeping a secret from a god of death may be a daunting task.

All I can do at this point is to wait L out. Eventually he'll come back for me. I just need to keep up the tortured-admirer shtick long enough to convince him I'm sincere both about liking him and my devotion to the Kira case. I have made many girls to fall in love with me, so I have plenty of confidence in my acting skills in that area. L's mind is powerful, but it is his heart I mean to control.

Feeling drowsy from boredom, I lie back on the bare mattress, which is surprisingly comfortable. After a time, I feel sleep overtaking me, and I let it, not caring what dreams may come.


	12. Chapter 12

_I'm hungry._

_I am hungry for Light, and I am absolutely furious toward myself._

_The people closest to me are keenly aware of how emotionally distant I am. I refrain from showing affection or even allowing myself to receive it. This situation keenly reminds me of WHY such a demeanor is a necessity in my lonely profession._

_I have become too close to Light-kun without even realizing it. And now that I have locked him away for the time being, I find myself hungering for his presence like a tall slice of devil's food cake._

"Ah—Ryuzaki-san, is everything alright?"

_I look up at Soichiro Yagami, who peers at me over his glasses with a concerned expression. I become aware that I have finished my piece of cheesecake and am grinding my teeth on my empty fork. I release my jaw's death grip on the fork and place it on the plate, which looks almost clean._

"_Quite alright, Yagami-san. I became lost inside my own head for a moment."_

_He nods amiably, but there is still a glimmer of concern in his eyes. _"Where is Light?"

"_Light-kun was feeling restless, so I have allowed him to use my personal training room to expend his negative energy before returning to work. I did not want any pent-up frustration to result in another disagreement like earlier."_

"I see. It looked as though you two had been arguing."

_I pause to think for a moment, tentatively tasting my thumbnail. It tastes of sugar and dirt._

"_I wonder, Yagami-san, if we aren't all becoming a bit frustrated in this cooped-up atmosphere. Perhaps we could all get a fresher look at our evidence if we allowed ourselves a bit of a break."_

_It feels strange to say those words. I have never been fond of breaks, respites, naps, vacations, and the like. I always considered it an escape for people who are too weak-minded to leave their brains on for any extended period of time. But I am employing this suggestion because I suddenly have a very strong urge to be alone._

"A break?! When we're this close to explaining something that's beyond science?" _I hear Aizawa protest from the office table._

"_All the more reason to take a step back and make sure there are no mistakes in our judgment. Yes, I am giving all of you the second half of the day off to do with as you like. But please remember to follow all safety protocols when you leave."_

"Starting now?! Cool! I can't wait to call my friends to go out! Thanks, Ryuzaki!" _Matsuda bubbles, already standing up to stretch as if he wants to jog out the door right now._

"_Yes, please enjoy yourselves, and come in refreshed tomorrow. I will inform Light-kun when he returns."_

_The crew seems pleasantly surprised and relieved as they begin to pack up folders of documents and stacks of video discs and prepare to leave. I make a show of neatening my computer desk and putting my computer in power save mode. Anything that might encourage them to leave faster._

_Gradually my team leaves and the building sinks into an eerie silence, disturbed only by the subtle electric hum that is always present but only now becomes noticeable. And yet my mind still clamors._


	13. Chapter 13

He is trying to breathe.

He is trying so hard, but he can't. His head is turning that very wrong shade of red, and his eyes are rolling back under those dark eyelids, even though he's trying to keep looking at me.

He can't fight me. I have him. Here, in my hands, his throat is mine.

Soon, he will slip away, like he always does. That heat I feel under my cold hands, it will fade away with his life. Damn, L. Die, already.

My hands are cold, controlling; my face triumphant; my manhood hot and ready. He will die just as he lived; a step behind me, and I will win.

Just one more squeeze of these cold hands, and the world belongs to me.

"_Interesting."_

What?! You can't talk, you're dead!

But no, it couldn't have been; L is not moving.

"_Very interesting, Light-kun."_

The voice comes from everywhere. It surrounds me and presses in on me and steals my air and OH GOD—

And suddenly I am awake, and everything is backwards.

L is above me, staring down at me, eyes wide and bright and terrifying. And my hands…shit, my hands!

They're at his throat. Not squeezing, but touching. Holding firmly without digging in. And I'm too mortified to move. What am I doing? Why is he here? If I can't think fast I'm dead.

"Ryuzaki! What the hell are you doing?! You scared me!" I yell, my voice cracking unflatteringly. I pull my hands back as if they've been stung. L does not move. He's practically sitting on top of me, and I can feel that his legs are touching mine.

"_Maybe it should be me who is scared. You seemed to be trying to strangle me. In your sleep, no less."_

"Get off!"

L smirks, a crooked grin spreading across his face. I hate that look.

"_Oh, is _that _what you were trying to do?"_

"What…do you mean…?" He's caught me off guard with this weird turn of phrase.

And suddenly I am keenly aware of what he's talking about. There is a hot, hard presence in my pants that I want very much to go away. I've been humiliated enough for today, please just make it go _down…_I try to think of as many unsexy things as I can, but it just won't wither. It stands there, a testament to my perversion.

He's touching me.

I start to struggle, but he grabs my handcuffs and pulls both of my arms to the side with one hand as he leans close, his other hand groping where it should not be.

"_I see you've been thinking about me again. Is that what this has all been about? The episodes in the middle of the night, what you told me earlier, and now this? You really do have a problem, Light…"_

"Stop it!" I scream, pulling away for a second before he pins me again. He has stopped—for the moment, anyway.

What have I done? I don't have a plan B for this; I should never have taken that step, never have allowed this to happen. My subconscious is trying to kill me by forcing those damn dreams on me.

"_Isn't this what Light-kun wanted?" _L's voice growls. _"You practically threw yourself at me earlier; why are you acting so frightened now?"_

I can feel his hot mouth near my neck; his breath warms my skin as he grazes his teeth along the crook of my shoulder.

Oh, god, is he going to—?! I've got to get out of this somehow. L is being completely out of hand.

L's mouth covers mine, and for a second, I can't think anymore. His tongue explores and toys with me, and I respond, out of habit, in kind. What am I doing?!

Wait! If I just keep it up a little longer, he'll…

He does. L lets up his grip on my arms, and slips his hands around my back instead. Still holding on to the kiss, I gently grasp his shoulders—

And _shove _with all my might. L reels backward off of the bed; I feel the sting of my hair being pulled and the taste of blood in my mouth, but I don't stop to think. I'm up off the bed, preparing to counter L's next strike, when I notice the door is slightly open.

Freedom.

Without a real plan, I bolt for the door, hearing L scramble to get up behind me. I'm not familiar with this floor, but I have an idea where the stairs are. I head toward them.

Shit, it's tough to run with a boner.

I can't go down; I'd run straight into the other members of the investigation team, and that would only make things worse. But if L _thinks_ I'm going down…

"_Light!" _I hear him call from behind me. I don't wait to hear what else he says. I find the stairs and practically dive down the first flight. I slam the stairwell door behind me and hope the noise will cover up the sound of the door opening the next flight down. I sprint to the other staircase, this time heading up. I only hope the feint works. At least until L manages to cool down.

Flight after flight of stairs. Four? Five? Enough to make me completely winded by the time I reach the top. I try the roof access door. It's unlocked. I slow my breathing down, little by little, and am pleased to realize that L hasn't followed me. It worked, then. He thinks I went downstairs. I'm safe, for the time being. I open the door and step out onto the roof for some well-needed fresh air.

It's raining.


	14. Chapter 14

A/N: I have not done an author's note in forever! Probably because they would all say the same thing anyway: "I am slow, and my chapters are short. Please don't internet-kill me." Seriously, I think I must be close to averaging one word a day, if that. I suck. But I'm still writing! I will probably be wrapping this story up soon because I'm losing track of it-but it will get an ending! -R.S.

* * *

_Did I go too far? Perhaps. But it had to be done._

_Of all the methods I could have used to test whether Light was sincere, coming onto him in that way would produce the most dramatic result. I had suspicions from the stort, but now I am amost one hundred percent certain that Light-kun is lying._

_He is very lucky I did not catch him. I could have hurt him very badly. I cannot remember the last time I was this angry. he has lied before, but this…this is inexcusable. No one toys with the emotions of the greatest detective in the world._

_After pursuing him down two flights of stairs, I hear the door slam shut somewhere distantly above me. I should have known he would change direction on me. But where does he hope to go? There's no way to climb down from the roof or any of the top floors, and he wouldn't jump. If it came to locking the door and attempting to wait me out, he knows I would win eventually. He is not thinking rationally. I guess I really spooked him._

_Good. The more rattled he is, the less prepared he is to make up convincing stories. I have to get to him before he manages to completely collect himself. At the same time, I have to calm myself down as well. I can't afford to jump to conclusions, or cause Light physical damage, however much I want to._

_God, I want to hurt him so much. A dangerous thought._

_I punch a chair, instead of Light's lying face. It diffuses a tiny portion of my rage, but there is still more than enough left._

"_Is there something I can do for you, Ryuzaki?" I hear Watari's voice crackle over the intercom. He sounds concerned, and it's no wonder. But I cannot think of him now._

"_Yes, as a matter of fact there is, Watari," I reply, suppressing the anger in my voice._

_This is a stupid idea, but I will do it anyway._

"_If you would, please turn off all surveillance equipment in this building, until such time as you are instructed otherwise. I wish to have a private conversation with Yagami-kun."_

_There is a pregnant pause on the other end. Watari does not like this order, and he is probably worried about me. After what has gone on today, he may have doubts about my motives or even my sanity._

"_Very well, Ryuzaki," the old man sighs, as I knew he would. He is nothing if not a reliable employee._

_A dozen tiny lights go out as various security cams are powered off. I feel the sides of my mouth curl into an evil smile._

_Slowly and deliberately, I turn and head toward the elevators. I have business to attend to with one Light Yagami._


	15. Chapter 15

A/N: My updates are tiny, tiny, tiny. I regret nothing.

* * *

It's just slightly too cold to be comfortable, and the rain doesn't help. Then again, I suppose this is nature's way of giving me exactly what I needed: a cold shower.

I wonder how long it will take for L to realize that I tricked him. If he got far enough down that he met my dad and the rest of the team, he'll probably have at least some explaining to do. And if not…

Then he'll be coming up here. And he'll be pissed. I have to think of something.

I've totally screwed myself over. If I had responded in kind when Ryuzaki…when he…

I can feel my face burning, even though there's no one to be embarrassed in front of. I should have known better. Even I am not a good enough actor to convince someone I'm gay. Especially Ryuzaki, who, in addition to being the world's most popular detective, has met two of my girlfriends, and probably knows about some of the previous ones. I've bitten off more than I can chew, and if I spit I'm dead.

So what explanation will he believe? That I was so overcome with embarrassment that I became angry? No, he wouldn't buy that. When has he ever seen me overwhelmed by anything?

That I regretted hitting on him and had decided to keep our relationship professional before he barged in and tried to molest me? No. There wouldn't have been enough time for me to undergo such a drastic change of "heart."

That "I've never been touched like this by a man," and so I got scared? Maybe, but…but…

But it's the best vine I've got. If I can sound sincere, if I can make myself look as pathetic as possible, he may believe me.

The rain will actually help with that part of the plan. My clothes are drenched and clinging to my skin, and the water running down my face would almost look like tears, if I were the type of person to shed them. If I seem miserable and contrite enough, I'll put him off his guard.

I walk to the edge of the roof, sit down, and slump against the bars. Like everything out here, they are cold and unpleasant, but I need to look the part. I close my eyes and put myself in that frame of mind by repeating sentences like mantras in my head. Things L would want to hear. Things I would never say.

"L, I'm sorry. I fucked up.

"…But I love you.

"I was angry because I was afraid…because I've never been touched that way before...

"…By someone like you.

"Please forgive me."

These ridiculous sentiments are so cliché they make me want to vomit. But they help put me in the right frame of mind anyway. I hope he comes for me soon. I cannot stand the thought of him coming for me. But I got myself into this mess, and I'll get myself out of it.

As if from a great distance, I hear the roof access door open. L is here.


	16. Chapter 16

A/N: Thank you for the kind reviews! ^_^

* * *

_I open the door and am struck by a blast of wet chill. I shiver. I have never cared much for cold weather. Fortunately there hasn't been much of it since I came to Japan._

_I see him sitting against the rail on the edge of the roof, looking out. the door to the roof is creaky so I know he heard me coming, but he does not turn his head. He's waiting me out. Drama queen._

_I don't say anything yet. I approach him, slowly unfolding the blanket I brought with me. My footsteps make wet slapping noises on the concrete, and still he does not look up. I crouch down next to him, and begin unbuttoning his shirt._

"Ryuzaki!_" he yells, twitching away from me in surprise, "_What are you doing_?"_

"_I am undressing you. Please be quiet."_

_He's nervous, and he looks scared, but he stops pulling away as I continue to remove his shirt. It's clear he doesn't know how to react._

"Um…why_?" He asks stupidly, as I pull the shirt off of his shoulders and down his arms. His nipples are erect from the cold, his skin pale, wet, and covered in goose-flesh. What a sight. But I'm not done yet._

"_Stand, please."_

_He looks dazed, but some stubbornness is creeping back into his voice. "_Why? I don't get_—"_

_I don't let him finish. With the waterproof blanket draped carefully over one shoulder, I pull him up and block him into a corner with my body in case he feels like running again._

"_Remove your pants, please, Light-kun."_

_He looks shocked, even though he shouldn't be. He stammers and makes no move to unfasten his belt._

"No, what—I—what are—"

"_I am giving Light-kun the opportunity to remove his own trousers. Would you prefer I did it for you?" I press, placing a hand on his belt buckle._

_His eyes widen, then narrow slightly in annoyance. "_No need," _he surrenders, undoing the fastenings on his pants and sliding them down his hips. He kicks them aside on the frigid concrete and looks up at me defiantly—which is difficult for someone wearing nothing but briefs and sneakers._

_I enjoy the sight for only the briefest of moments. I wrap Light slowly and securely in the blanket, gather up his soggy clothes, and begin leading him toward the door. He doesn't resist, but I can tell he's reading my every move, trying to figure out what my motive really is. A few meters from the door, I pause and turn in to him, one arm wrapped around his shoulders. He looks like he's about to say something, but I cut him off._

"_Light-kun, please allow me to apologize for earlier. I acted inappropriately."_

_He seems unduly surprised at my apology, and possibly a little annoyed that I spoke before him. What sort of lie was he trying to tell, I wonder?_

"What—no! I mean—I should be the one apologizing, L," _he stutters. _"This is my fault, for—for starting it."

_Oh, so that's it. He wants to backpedal, and by apologizing first I've stolen some of his thunder. That's good._

_Now that I have him with me, right here, I feel my anger rising again, but I force it back down. I look Light Yagami straight in the eye._

"_I'm glad that we could make amends, Light-kun. Since you're obviously cold, I've prepared some hot herbal tea and I'm also allowing you the evening off. But before we go back inside, I would just like to know one thing."_

"What's that, Ryuzaki?"

"_Explain why you lied to me."_

_He stares at me, mouth open, eyes indecipherable, and I stare back at him, waiting. By now my body is as drenched and pathetic-looking as the crumpled clothes in my hand, but I will not move until I get an answer._


	17. Chapter 17

A/N: I am going to try to update more frequently now. We'll see how that goes.

* * *

There is not enough murder contained in the word "hate" to accurately describe how I feel about L at this moment.

"_Explain why you lied to me."_

Explain?! Of course he saw through me, I was too obvious. And he would expect me to be angry, and of course I am. I try to hide the fury in my voice as I answer.

"What are you talking about, Ryuzaki?"

He removes his arm from my shoulder suddenly and takes one brisk step away. I am briefly grateful for the return of my personal space, but then I notice how angry L looks. Scary angry. His head is tilted down and he's looking at me through a dripping-wet curtain of hair. His fists are clenched and his shoulders are set. I'm dealing with an unstable person now, and I've got to be careful.

"_you know very well what I am talking about," _he seethes. _"I've never been so—" _he stops himself abruptly. Did he almost reveal something personal? Perhaps I can use his sensitive state to my advantage…

"_I will ask again, Light-kun," _he says, over-enunciating each syllable as though I were a stupid child. "_Why did you lie to me? I warn you, if you tell me any more untruths you will regret it."_

I see; I'm treading on thin ice, as usual. Got to talk my way out of this carefully.

"I am sorry, Ryuzaki. For all of this. If I had known my confession would have affected you this way…I shouldn't have ever said anything."

He says nothing. He does not move. His stony expression does not change. Finally, he speaks.

"_That is true. But you still did not answer my question." _His voice is higher now, and louder, approaching a yell. "_WHY did you LIE TO ME?!"_

"I DIDN'T!" I retort, too frustrated to think up a more creative answer.

He looks up at me, and steps in close. He clutches a double handful of the blanket he swaddled me in, and pulls me in toward him so that we're standing nose to nose, eye to eye. I can almost taste the strawberry cheesecake he ate earlier.

"_Didn't what?" _He breathes. He's too fierce, too close, and I can't think.

"Dammit, Ryuzaki, I didn't lie to you!"

And then Ryuzaki steps away, and the rooftop is spinning, and it's cold, very cold, and wet, and the pavement comes up to greet me with a moist smack. I can tell I've hit my head because everything feels vague and gray for a moment, then I start to feel the ache in my skull as I regain my bearings enough to notice that L is removing my shoes.

"L…"

And my socks.

"What're…?"

And my…Oh god!

"Wait, stop!"

I try to grab onto my underwear before he can yank it off me, but it is a tug of war I am destined to lose. The cold air hits my balls and I cringe and curl into a pitiful fetal position, covering myself as well as I can with my hands.

"_Wrong answer, Light-kun," _L says with finality, and strides toward the door—my only portal back to anything warm and dry.

Shit, shit, SHIT! I awkwardly get to my feel, struggling to run after him while still covering my junk. But I am too slow. The door slams, and I reach it in time to hear it being locked from the other side.

I pound on the door with all my might, first with one hand, then two when panic makes me temporarily stop caring whether my balls literally freeze off. But It's too late. He's gone. Or at least, he's ignoring me.

When my fists start to tingle from banging on the door—god knows how long I've been doing it—I stop, stare at the sky and scream. Scream because there's not a thought in my head that can help me now.


	18. Chapter 18

A/N: So I fail at upping my output at all. Being a grown-up is hard!

* * *

_I want Light to hurt. I want him to feel as humiliated as he's made me feel. So, naturally, I left him naked and freezing on the roof. And I walked down the stairs, not heeding the desperate pleading and furious knocking on the roof access door._

_Go on, Light. Feel what I feel, you psychopath. Cry, scream, freeze and repent, and then maybe I'll let you back inside._

_Maybe. I let the blanket and Light's clothes slither to the floor on the langing, then slump to a half-sitting position on the next step down. It's then that I realize how cold and wet I am. Not as cold and wet as Light-kun is right now, still naked and abandoned outside. I can't hear him knocking anymore._

_Like a delayed reaction to the temperature outside, I can feel my anger slowly abating. As I come back down off of my rage-high, one emotion tops all else in my mind: shame._

_I acted too harshly, whether or not Light deserved such humiliating treatment—and I still maintain that he did—I should not have done that to him. I broke my own code of ethics, in a big way. In layman's terms, I fucked up. How can I—_

_There is a scream outside, long and desperate and blood-curdling. Light sounds as if he is in pain. I should be even more ashamed at how quickly I am on my feet, back up the stairs and ready to unlock that door. As if I am that eager to forgive him, just because of a few crocodile tears. Am I so easily taken advantage of? I stare at the lock, debating whether to turn it or not._

_I cannot leave him outside forever. I shouldn't even leave him there for another minute. This is cruel treatment, and completely unacceptable for someone like me._

_Light has broken no laws, at least not anything related to today's fiasco. "Attempted heartbreak" will not stand up in any court in the known universe._

_I have to let him in._

_But how can I face him now? Doubtless we've hurt each other enough today._

_I'll leave him outside just a few minutes longer. I jog down the hallway to the elevator and return to the room Light and I usually share. A quick shuffle through Light's dresser provides me with what I need: a long-sleeved shirt, slacks, and underwear. I pull a towel from the bathroom to add to my collection, and return to the scene of the "crime," as it were._

_I leave the items in a neat and conspicuous pile just inside the door, then head to the nearest computer with administrative access to the automated locking and security system—which, as it happens, is three floors down. This much back-and-forth is annoying, but it's not like I planned to do a lot of work up here on the top floors._

_I don't know what I'm doing, really. I don't have a plan. I do not remember my actions ever being so consistently irrational. I must fix this, and get this snafu under control so I can get back to doing my job._

_It seems like an hour passes before the desktop is finally up and running. With a few clicks I am in the security system, and with a punch of a few keys I remotely unlock the roof access door. If Light is still close to the door, he will hear the brief beep the door will emit and head inside. If not…_

_I don't need to worry about the "not," because a second later I see the notification that the door has been opened, and then shut again. He's inside._

_I will let him find me in a little while. For now, I'll watch and see what he does. I wush I could view him on the closed-circuit TV, but unfortunately that would require Watari's involvement, and I would still rather this whole episode remained a secret._


End file.
